For so long I have abandoned this blog, not wanting to share any more details about my personal life, but this time, I feel that I owe an explanation to myself regarding what has been impactful, and the cause of becoming more private. Why now? why not?
It's called growth I guess. I'm already in my mid-30's and it just makes sense to leave a little something here.
But before starting this little chat, I want to acknowledge that this mindset change has happened thanks to years of therapy, (many therapists in the last few years) and also I attribute it to living alone and rebuilding a true relationship with God. Also, big thanks to the handful of true friends who have stick through thick and thin with me during my journey, understanding how important is to keep my life private now. (Those who have shared personal details about my new life to others, you're out.)
Let's begin, let's do this by decades, so bear with me here...
From 0 to 10 years old.
I was blessed to live in a nuclear family, with my parents and 2 older brothers. These years, from my perspective (along with the professional appreciation of my therapists) were the foundation of insecurities, low self-esteem, traumas and low self-worth. Family is family, and nobody is perfect. My relationship with my parents was not great as I felt rejected, causing me to grow with a lack of love. During this decade I craved love, hugs, anybody who I could turn to. To say the least, I was in a vulnerable place mentally and psychologically.
From 11 to 20 years old.
The rejection towards me in my own household grew deeper, I felt like the worst person, living with guilt, asking myself why I was even alive. My self-worth and self-esteem was at my lowest. I followed a pattern of trying to get the attention of boys, and even "dating" from age 14. My relationships were very unhealthy because I was mentally unhealthy to begin with. I didn't have my parents' emotional support, which created barriers between them and me. But the key part here was: since I never felt loved by my own parents, I was never able to develop a healthy self-esteem or to create the criteria of knowing when to stop squeezing love out of people to fill my own emptiness. I was desperate.
When I look back, I can only blame myself, but at the same time, I didn't even know that my own brain wasn't fully developed before 25. Yes, my frontal lobe cortex wasn't ready for these growing pains*. And it's not that I wasn't smart enough to "not know" what I was doing, but I wasn't aware of the extent of my words and actions. I recall moments and conversations with these guys I went out with, saying "I love you", without even understanding what love actually entailed. Of course I feel bad for not knowing better at that time, but I wasn't an adult, I didn't even know what I meant when talking about "having a future with them" at an early age, I was just a teenager. An insecure, love-craving with low self-esteem and low self-worth teenager, who didn't know much about the world or even knew what I wanted or needed.
*Frontal lobe cortex fully develops at age 25 in all humans.
From 21 to 30 years old.
On this decade I was still following the same unhealthy pattern regarding to guys (again, this was because dads are supposed to help build in their daughters their self-esteem, and I didn't have that because my dad and I were never close), while finishing my studies, and working at an office type of job. I bought my first crappy car, I paid for my university studies, I was bullied at work, taken advantage of, fooled and mistreated by co-workers. I quit my job, I found a new job and at age 26 everything changed.
I began to see things differently. At work my co-workers were like family, the Christian work environment was truly powerful and nice, I didn't notice or care that I was making more money because I was living my dream job. Then, I moved into my own apartment (that my dad fixed for me), I furnished it, I bought a new car and I started traveling more for work purposes. but there was still something that wasn't going according to my new plans, I was dating a guy who was totally a waste of time, I kept breaking up with him because he wasn't interested in a relationship, yet he still wanted to be with me maybe because he liked that I paid for our dates, well, he also liked that I spoke English, and he wanted to tag along in my plans of moving to Canada. Anyways, I ended up traveling and doing my scouting trip to Canada, I visited family there, and I will never forget my uncle Julio telling me "What are you doing in that relationship? he doesn't deserve you". Upon arriving back to El Salvador, on my last date with this guy, uncle Julio's words kept sounding loud in my head, as this guy spent all the time on his phone (as usual - never present in the moment), I paid for our nice lunch at the restaurant, and then I proceeded to tell him that I never wanted to see him again.
Did he try to fight for me? did it work? was it worth it? was he worth it? Yes, no, no and no. I wasn't going to continue wasting my time with a low-IQ-guy who was clearly just taking advantage of me in every way, making me feel that I wasn't brave enough to be on my own. Though I was wrong, I was already stronger than I gave myself credit for. We broke up, he stalked me and my family, I told him that I was going to get a restraining order from the police. We broke up for good.
In addition to thinking that I wasted my time, I actually learned that: he was absolutely everything I did not want in a husband, every single thing this guy was, did or say was everything I wasn't going to tolerate in anybody.
I knew then my self-worth, I was in a much better place, financially and mentally. I had become independent, I was stress-free from this psychological toxic dating pattern... I was actually happy, living my life as a single woman (finally!) and enjoying my individuality. It was priceless.
From 30 and up.
I was truly happy in my own skin. Everything changed, my routine changed, my goals changed, my mindset changed, even my therapist saw that I was doing so well, I took a break from therapy to create new habits. I was swimming 3 times a week, I was cooking often, watching the shows that I wanted, reading the things that I didn't know I even liked, treating myself with self-care products. Yes, I bought my first massager, I made my first purchase at bath and body works, I got nice makeup of really good brands that didn't know existed or that I felt worth enough to wear them. I read the Bible more and started living in gratefulness.
It took me over a year to get to know the new "Me", and I liked that reflection in the mirror. I had confidence for the first time. I even dyed my hair!
And just like that, when I was at the top of the mountain, on cloud nine, is when true love came to my life. The man that had been there for me for many years, showed up in a different way this time. He was a great friend that held my hand from afar through my ups and downs, in the distance checking-in on me when I changed jobs, went through breakups, underwent surgeries, medical exams, exchanging emails, texts... oh but, want to know something interesting about me? I actually have a hard time reading people. So this time, I asked God, "if I ever meet the man of my life, please be straight forward and let him be very upfront with me." - and that's exactly how it happened, well, after I had an allergic reaction to gluten during lunch with him at a restaurant in Manhattan.
We found each other. We found love, because we were both in the right place at the right time in life.
The reason for this post
All my life I wanted to have answers as to why my formative years weighed me down so much, why I wasn't able to fill a constant emptiness, but then I realized that the only way to find out what happened, was to look everything into a deep retrospective, analyzing what went wrong, from external factors, through my environment and the trauma I lived while struggling with my own insecurities through poor mental health.
My apologies if this post entry was long, I must say, this will be my last one. Why? well, I've been very open about my life here and on social media for many years until this point, but as I type this words, my priorities have shifted into a whole new direction and as people say nowadays, "This Chapter is Invite Only"
But let's end on a higher note: I'm living a happy life now, I'm grateful for having my beloved husband and my son. Even though I'm being judged because of the extreme boundaries I've set to protect my new family, I feel complete, I prefer to stay away from any drama, gossip, unnecessary judgments, or anything that doesn't serves me or nourishes me or my family, because I decide if anybody gets access to us or not. We're happy knowing that all we need is found in Christ, not in people's opinion or in what the world offers us.
So, if you made it to the end of this post but you're no longer in my contacts, know that sometimes relationships are meant to be there for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime, and that's ok.
Have a nice rest of your day and life.
