Saturday, October 24, 2015

'Andar bien'

Ya pasaron varias semanas desde mi operación, pero aún hay cosas que no comprendo... aquella constante pregunta del ginecólogo por saber si estoy realmente interesada en tener hijos pronto, y el dolor que aún no se va del todo.

Mi constante lucha con el problema de la fatiga que se había ido ha vuelto. Encuentro poco apoyo de amigos e incluso de mi novio en cuanto a comprender mi problema, y no los culpo, nadie siente lo que yo siento. Nadie se marea con comer pan porque parece ridículo, y a nadie más se le inflama todo por dentro por comer un chocobanano o incluso masticar un chicle, sí, un condenado chicle.

En estos momentos estoy enojada con el mundo, con todos sin excepción alguna, y sobre todo con la comida que no puedo digerir.

Estos días me he sentido muy cansada, hago el esfuerzo de hacer todo lo que hago, y se llegan días en los que quiero tirar la toalla y ver hasta donde puede llegar mi cuerpo sin comer porque estoy molesta con la comida, siento que todo me hace daño, siento que algo me come a mí por dentro, quisiera ser normal, y dejar de pensar que todo por dentro me falla.

Es frustrante ir a los restaurantes y no saber qué me va a hacer 'menos daño'... si al final el resultado es el mismo, termino inflamada, con dolor.

Lo peor es llegar a un restaurante y al abrir el menú pensar "quiero irme a casa".

No sé cuánto tiempo más voy a vivir, pero honestamente espero que no sea mucha la espera, esto no es vida, y no me importa que me lean quienes lo hacen en este momento, ustedes no saben lo que se siente, no tienen idea porque no están en mis zapatos, no tienen mis intestinos puestos en sus cuerpos. No tienen el derecho de juzgarme o de asumir que tomo medicinas cada vez que como para 'andar bien'.

Este es el rostro que usualmente llevo puesto. Y no, no gracias, no me gusta salir a comer o a tomar un café para calmarme y hablar de esto. No hablo de esto con nadie al respecto (sólo con mi doctor claro.)

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Who could forget that?

During one of my visits to my grandma at the nursing home, my grandma had a glimpse of good reason and took my left hand and said:

"There is no ring, you're not married."

*awkward silence*

(That was hard to hear)

She continued.... "You should stop being complicated with men."

I nodded.

Forever Alone

Yesterday I had one of the worst and darkest days, and really, all I needed was a hug.

I'm still deeply sad since everything that happened yesterday hit me hard, so I might cry again today, alone in my bed, and it will be okay, because that's who I am. I cry if I want to or if I need to.

Being alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. I will find some day the hug I'm eager to find.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I will always love you, always

As I'm preparing every little detail for my grandma's funeral, all the memories come back to me; memories from the day she took her last breath.

I never thought I would be ready to write about it. To be honest maybe I'm not, but it's something I want to keep in my blog for personal purposes.

The morning of April 6th I got the chance to travel to Pennsylvania, place where my grandma was living. During my flight all I could think was 'God, please let me get there on time to say goodbye, I need to be with her before you take her from me'.

My cousin Mario picked me up at the airport, but on the way to my aunt Nora's house he said "I hope we'll make it, I haven't got any phone call, but she is leaving us soon."

When we got home, I rushed to my grandma's bedroom, I burst into tears as I saw her laying in bed, scratching herself due to the morphine she was taking for the inner pain since her organs were shutting down, but she was allergic to it.

My aunt Nora said "Talk to her, tell her you are here, she can hear you." So I decided to get closer to her right ear, and said "Grandma, it's me, I'm your granddaughter, I'm here for you", on that moment she opened her eyes and she looked at me smiling, never imagined that would be the last time I would witness such thing.

My grandma Rosita fell asleep, she was taking tons of meds. Her body moved in a mysterious way, she was having flashbacks maybe, I could see her fingers moving as if she were sewing. My aunt Daysi said "I think that's call the process of dying, and you see your life as a movie."

Suddenly my grandma started to scratch herself again, so my aunt Daysi (a nurse) gave her other strong medicine, but my grandma was feeling very uncomfortable, she actually never opened her eyes again, but I did the only thing that came to my mind... I started to sing the worship songs my grandma used to sing when we used to go to church together, and something happened...

My grandma Rosita, grabbed my hand, and kissed it. She kissed my hand.... I was singing, crying, dying inside right next to her, holding her goodbye...

The next thing I know is that I fell asleep.

Next morning, the nurses from the insurance came by to check on her, and told us "if there is family left, let them know that today will be a good time to come."

30 mins later while I was getting dressed after getting a shower, I heard my aunt Daysi saying out loud, "She's gone!!".

I rushed to my grandma's bedroom again. I held her hand, her body was still warm. But she was gone.

My cousin Silvia was with her in that little moment when my grandma Rosita stopped breathing. Silvia said that the last words she told her were: "Please mama, go in peace, we'll be okay, and we're here with you, don't be afraid to let go, let God take you into His loving arms." And so she did, and left.

As my grandma left to Heaven, we were all by her side in silence, crying. Tears everywhere.

Today, those memories seem like a dream. But it's real, I remember her body going from warm to cold, her soft hair through my fingers.... I remember her, I remember everything about her.

My grandma's ashes will be buried Sunday, September 13th 2015  at 10am in 'Jardines del Recuerdo' in El Salvador.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..."


Friday, April 3, 2015

By Your Side

Facing reality

My grandma decided to stop eating recently.

If you know me very well, there is no human being on earth I love as much as I love my grandma, that's why this hurts, because I realize that she is not going to be with me forever, even though I enjoy traveling each year to give her a short visit during Christmas, it's actually the only time in a year we get to spend together, I don't like to think about when this will all come to an ending.

I found myself today praying in my room, crying, since at one point I just said 'God, I don't know what to ask for right now. My grandmother biggest desire was to wake up one day in your arms, so please do as she desired and do your will and be in control of this'.

I'm powerless.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Tenth Avenue North - Worn

Pregunta: "¿Cuál era el aguijón en la carne de Pablo?"

Respuesta: Se han ofrecido incontables explicaciones concernientes a la naturaleza del aguijón de Pablo en la carne. Éstas van del rango desde una tentación incesante, inflexibles oponentes, enfermedades crónicas (tales como problemas oculares (Gálatas 4:15), malaria, migrañas y epilepsia), hasta inhabilidad para hablar. Nadie puede decir con seguridad que es lo que era, pero es probable que fuera una afección física.

2 Corintios 12 Reina-Valera 1960 (RVR1960)

7 Y para que la grandeza de las revelaciones no me exaltase desmedidamente, me fue dado un aguijón en mi carne, un mensajero de Satanás que me abofetee, para que no me enaltezca sobremanera;

8 respecto a lo cual tres veces he rogado al Señor, que lo quite de mí.

9 Y me ha dicho: Bástate mi gracia; porque mi poder se perfecciona en la debilidad. Por tanto, de buena gana me gloriaré más bien en mis debilidades, para que repose sobre mí el poder de Cristo.

10 Por lo cual, por amor a Cristo me gozo en las debilidades, en afrentas, en necesidades, en persecuciones, en angustias; porque cuando soy débil, entonces soy fuerte.