Today has become a regular day in my life, full of everything but you. Funny though, today was "our special day".
I´m sick, my throat hurts, my heart hurts too, and for now I would rather pretend I´m Sleeping Beauty, but with the difference that in the end of the story there´s a sign hanging that says: Do not disturb.
I need some time to clear my head, my thoughts, and to realize that I can do whatever I want to do if I´m firmly decided.
I was having our last conversation with you, over the phone... it was a goodbye with a happy ending, because we would remain friends, however, there´s not a big difference from our relationship and now, I guess we just needed to recognize that 5 months ago we were already just friends, because I never felt in your kisses that my boyfriend was ever going to come back to me..
All it´s left from "us" is pictures, I really don´t have great memories, and to be honest, it´s something that at this moment I don´t even want to think about.
Although, I can´t help it because I´m kind of angry that you have nothing else to say, you never have anything to say, good or bad, it´s upsetting.
I never got back the love I gave to you, though, I gave everything I could, to show you that I loved you like I never did before, and you took my love like paper, made a ball with it and threw it with a nice shot in the trash, yup, nice shot.
I´ll keep on dreaming with the perfect kiss, the right hug, and the unbelievable future awaiting.
It just breaks my heart when I see our pictures together... I want to see you, hug you..
I want to go back in time and live again those memories we have, because I keep you in my heart all the time, and I´m sorry about the promise I made and broke, I just wasn´t aware of the distance and all the changes that would come with it.
Please forgive me for letting you go, for losing you this way, I know is not fare, I know it seems that I only care about me right now, but it´s not it, I love you, I care about you, I´m trying to talk to you, but you´re so far, and I can´t help it, I just need you on this, there´s a lot going on in my life and I need you in it, I need your advices, your friendship more than anything, don´t you see? I just can´t live without you, you mean so much to me.
Come on! talk to me, I´m sorry, I miss you, I love you... I have a problem, and if I could talk to you again that would be more than helpful. I want to work things out, make things right, and have you back. Please.
Waking up in the morning with something in mind... oh I´m running late [nahh not really] but for my standards I was right on time.
Play with my dog for a little while as I was making my breakfast it´s one of my favorite things to do, but is still annoying to have to wash my hands every 10 seconds.
Brush my teeth, run to the door, and lock it right behind me, and here I go, my day is bright and sunny! and walking to the bus stop is not that painful, and smells nice because of the new bakery.. awww I like that smell, fresh bread in the morning.
Having to go to class all morning is not that fun, but when is interesting, I must confess that I love it, and you know me, - the time goes fast when you´re having FUN -.
So, the morning went away, just like a good book in the last chapter, or like a great Japanese anime episode.
On the way back home I like sometimes to look through the window in the bus, I always see something new, maybe people walking, people talking (but not on the phone, is dangerous in El Salvador)...
Arriving at home lunch is ready because Ana (family´s maid) works in my house on Fridays, I ask her how is she doing as she takes a lunch brake, we talk for a while about the differences about living in the city and the country (were she lives), and also about my grandma, because my grandma is so loving and caring.. then she says, - Ligia called - and checking finally my phone I can see her txt saying that... we need to go out for doughnuts and talk.
The greatest moment in the day finally comes, there´s just NOTHING in the world like going out with her to a doughnut place called "Mister Donut" and just hang out.
Ligia and I have been best friends since I remember, we grew up together teasing each other, and calling ourselves with some other friends, "the lesbians frogs" that´s why we like frogs so much lol.
We went to school together, and also attended the same church were we first met and over time started to serve.
She has been there for me every time I really needed her:
When I got sick When I got surgery (wisdom teeth) When my dog got sick For my dog´s checkup Just to hang out in my house To have dinner at a Taiwanese Restaurant To talk about boys at Mister Donut To talk about life When I needed a best friend´s advice
And of course... to go to the bathroom with!
Those are just a few reasons why, I am so excited when it comes to share some doughnuts with Ligia at our favorite spot.
I just miss the old times, the good times... and having Ligia in my life.
I´m forgetting your smile I´m forgetting your hugs I´m forgetting how was to be in your arms I´m forgetting the last time you hold my hand I´m forgetting the color of your eyes I´m forgetting how it felt to kiss you...
I woke up this morning, and I felt like talking... so, here I am, talking to you Father God.
I wonder why sometimes you wake me up so early, but in the end I know that you wanted me to talk with you. You´re great, because you knew I was not going to do anything more besides seeking you, and somehow you know I´m carrying some things in my heart.
Father God, I have a lot of praises, I just can´t help it, I´ve been so blessed by you, I´m so happy that you´ve been so good to me. You´ve gave me a great family and friends back in El Salvador, and you´ve gave me great friends back in St. Louis. I´m thankful that you trust me and now I´m with a new host family that needs you so much, please keep helping me to show your love through me. So far they all know in my heart that you´re the most important thing for me, but they still don´t understand why or how is that possible, help me please in this, I know it will take baby steps, so give me patience to know the right way to go.
Today is the big day for Jeff, he is moving to his new apartment, God I pray you´ll help him. Give him strength to carry his stuff, help him get through everything this morning. Thank you for blessing him with great friends to help him to move. He is very special to me, I pray that you will also help us to find more about ourselves through this time, thank you for the things you´ve provided to help us to understand each other the best way. I pray that you will bless us with patience, compassion and love.
God, you know that I have the desire to start working in my own projects very soon, but I want you to be part of them, I want to show your love through the things I do, because I praise you in so many ways, that I want to show it too in the creativity you´ve gave me. I just pray you´ll provide everything I need in this, because it will be my gift to you.
Thank you God again for waking me up this morning... thank you for the sunrise.
So, everyday we have two options, to get up and have a great day because you want to, or maybe not to have a great day because you didn´t even plan it in your head... Come on! let´s start a day with a positive mind!
Today is Sunday, and so far it´s been good for me. But here is my Sunday morning story.
I woke up and have to admit I was having a hard time in my head because things are not happening the way I wanted to. But still, I started my day starting my computer and checking my e-mail, and I got this video in my inbox from one of my friends.
After watching this video, I thought that this was going to be a great day... because I wanted to have a day with good times only.
I had breakfast, and afterwords I was getting ready to go to church with my host mom´s grandparents. This was a whole new experience, because I´ve never been to a Methodist Church. So, we were on our way to church at 10:30 actually, I posted on Facebook at 9am early this morning by mistake, but it took us 30 min to get to church because we got lost. It was a 10 mile drive but good thing we got lost though, now I know how the entire Greenville downtown looks like.
Talking about the church, let me say it was nice, they have different rituals, and the preacher took close to 20 min to finish. That was fast, I know.
At the end of the service I helped grandma to get to the car because she loses her balance easily. By the way I noticed that when we were taking the communion and she lost her balance over the Reverend. Don´t worry! he got her and she made this funny joke about telling him -Don´t worry Reverend, I´m not drunk-
After getting in the car grandma and grandpa decided to take me to their retirement community to have lunch. On the way they asked me what church I used to go in St. Louis, and in El Salvador. We talked a lot of different kind of things, but I think the best topic was "what did you get spankings for when you were young?", that was a good one.
Finally, we got to retirement community, and we went into this tall building were the restaurant is located.
Everybody there was old, I expected that of course, but what I didn´t was the yummy food I was about to have. Grandma said, everything here is delicious, and -you need to check this out- I asked what? she said... -There is a handsome waiter here, we all like him-.
We got our food from the buffet, and as we were talking, this famous waiter showed up. Grandma sight him so quickly, and drank all her water at once with no breathing, and saying out loud called: -John! could you please give me some lemonade?-, and he said Yes ma´m, with a smile.
I must say, that waiter was really handsome, just like she said.
John came back to the table with grandma´s lemonade, she blinked at me and whispered -I did it so you could take a better look-... oh my gosh! I was laughing and having so much fun, I don´t even remember how many times she used a silly excuse just to get him to the table. Grandma had the most amazing tricks to get his attention, but the best one, was the one with the banana pudding, I´ll keep it to myself though ;)
I learned a huge lesson today, having fun it´s up to me to make it happen, and I might not see this waiter again, or anybody at that retirement community, but I will always remember that everywhere I go, I can have fun, just because is great ;)
Oh by the way, grandpa doesn´t hear well, so he missed the whole thing! (^^) hehehe
It´s been a week without everybody I want in my life now, it´s been hard.
Being away makes inevitable the fact that I´m more independent. It also makes me feel your selfishness because you call me whenever you want to, or no calls if you don´t feel like it.
I have a question for you, do you think is easy being apart from your family, your friends, and also the one you love? well, I hope one day you feel that way when you move to your new place, ALONE. You´ll wish that someone would call on the phone just to check in or ask if you need to talk. Because that´s how I feel, and the saddest part: I can´t feel your support in this hard time for me, maybe I don´t need you, maybe this was meant to be like this... who knows.
I´m becoming stronger, I´m not crying anymore. I´m still missing you though. But I´m wondering why do I miss you, what do I miss from you, if you´ve became a different person for me, someone who´s not even sure about what to feel for me... I haven´t even heard a decent and truly -I love you- from you.
It makes me feel upset how easily I lost you.
I feel cold. I´m changing day-by-day and I don´t like what I see in the mirror. No smile, no sadness, no happiness... thanks to you I´m killing all feelings in my heart. Funny thing, I´m not thankful about it.
In the sadness I´m trying to hide, my mind tricked me really bad today. And I SAW you in the middle of a crowd, looking at me when I was turning for one second, then I turned back and you were gone... that moment, that second hit my heart so hard, I just wanted to mourn.
Just wondering how am I going to get through this. We are a team, but we´re not doing teamwork, and I can´t pull myself and you at the same time.
Surprising, almost everybody has told me you´re not the right one for me because I´m too good for you, that what I´m fighting for is worthless... but then, why inside my heart I feel that I´m doing the right thing by giving you a second chance?
I still have feelings for you... I never felt love like this before. Just whispering to the air if this is real love, and if in this story it´ll be a happy ending.
I love him so much, that I gave him a second chance, although he is not showing any motivation... I told him, that love is a decision, and if he chooses not to love me anymore, he is not loosing just Nora, he is actually loosing the girl who had loved him the most, the one who has been there when he needed someone to trust, to believe in him, in his crazy stuff that is so awesome, it´s willing to become his wife and rule the house, and make him breakfast every morning, spend time together, and most of all, the girl who forgave him and still believe that he can change and be trustful again.
My Dearest and Beloved, I want to make you smile, hold you in my arms.
Your happiness is my happiness, hope you can find everything you need in this new adventure. Don´t worry about the small things, you´re strong, you always make things work out, because your wise.
You are so brave, you´ve done great so far. You´ve gave your best and all you got... But still have much more to live, to give, to love. Don´t think so much about the far future is coming up, believe in yourself, trust your instincts, live one day at a time, work hard, never give up.
My promise is that you won´t be alone, angels are surrounding you wherever you go, don´t hesitate to cry on their shoulder if you need to. I know it´s a hard time for you, but remember, this is just a stage in your life that you need to get through, because you need to learn some things by your own.
Enjoy this trip, there are many more to come, don´t make your own plans, because you never know when I´m going to call you for a purpose, an important one.
Take care, be aware, I´m with you, I´m everywhere.
Feeling far from you is something I can´t stand, even though you´re next to me.
Your silence, the missing hugs, missing kisses, makes my eyes look sleepy, my mouth doesn´t want to say a word, my tears want to come out and draw a river... without you, I´m just not feeling like myself, not feeling alive anymore, walking and just look at the floor, numb and quiet.
Why are you acting like this? why are you killing everything I feel for you? why do you want me to stay away? I can not even feel free to rub your head, to take your hand, or to look you in the eyes.
This is how you´re killing me... slowly, strongly, hurting me.
Today is a cloudy day in my life, I´m feeling empty and lost.
I could be packing my bags, and instead of that I´m just wasting my time. I´m tired. My body feels tired. I took a shower a few moments ago and it didn´t help. Maybe I´m just tired of what I´m doing, what I´m not, and everything else.
Depressed. That would be a good word to describe how I feel right now. There´s a lot of thoughts in my head, about loneliness, feeling trapped, not to be allowed to be myself, goodbyes, and most of all, afraid of not having a happy ending.
Imagine my last minutes in St. Louis doesn´t help to the fact that I´ll be gone. I won´t be close to the one I´m supposed to be with. And that person is going to forget about me, maybe going to brake my heart. I´m scared. I´m sad. I can´t be asking all the time for love, and someday, he will show me love... somehow.
I can´t be begging for love the rest of my life.
Do you love me or not? are you ever going to show it?
Te he visto durante los últimos días, sí es cierto, no estoy mintiendo, te vi.
Tenía tanto tiempo de no verte y me he sorprendido la fuerza con la que me dejas sin palabras.
Pero eres un extraño para mi, y yo soy alguien que no debe de ser relevante en tu vida.
Siento como tú estas mirándome, con una sonrisa y a veces con una cara triste, qué te pasa? qué tienes en mente?
Si yo no te busco, por qué ahora vienes, y tomas forma de recuerdo y te puedo ver claramente? si, no estoy mintiendo, he visto tus ojos, tu cabello, tu sonrisa... Y simplemente doy un paso atrás, para mi sorpresa, eres tú.
No tengo que salir de mi casa para verte, pero tu presencia hasta cierto punto me molesta, perdóname, pero yo no quiero verte.
Hace unos meses atrás recuerdo que tuve una noche en la que platiqué con Dios, me di cuenta que cada cosa que pedía era porque yo así lo quería, porque era parte de mi plan. Mas nunca me puse a pensar cuál era SU plan para mi.
Fue entonces cuando comprendí, y mi plática se volvió una negociación, y le presenté a Dios las opciones que yo tenía, y que si a él le parecía bien, que entonces me permitiera y me concediera alguna de ellas. Claro, yo no recuerdo a alguien más haciendo esto mas que a Abraham en el principio de los tiempos... pero talves podría dar resultado conmigo, pues a pesar de todo mi fe está únicamente en Dios.
Las semanas pasaron, y yo dejé todo en sus manos, no insistí más. Yo sabía que si algo iba a pasar era porque era su voluntad. Nunca hablé de las opciones que yo le di a Dios a las personas a quien les competía tomar aquella decisión final, pero no me cabía la menor duda que Dios tiene el control de todo.
Y no fue hasta hoy a las 12 del mediodia, cuando Dios me abrazó, y me dijo que había tomado una decisión.
Y pase lo que pase, yo te busco, te alabo, y siempre confiaré en ti.
Ayer pasó lo que menos me imaginé. Uno de esos momentos en que sabes exactamente donde estabas, qué estabas haciendo, justo cuando uno de los acontecimientos más grandes en la historia ocurría.
Una gran pérdida para el mundo, un hombre que movió masas y corazones alrededor del globo, y también fue una gran inspiración para todos en cierto momento.
Yo no viví mi juventud al lado de Michael Jackson, pero sí recuerdo la primera vez que vi uno de sus videos, fue cuando me levantaba muy temprano por la mañana con mis hermanos para alistarnos a ir al colegio, y mientras nos turnábamos la ducha, poníamos la tele y veíamos videos musicales de -comencemos ya-. Michael Jackson ya habia cambiado su tonalidad de tez para ese entonces... y todos en el colegio solían murmurar que él habia tenido un transplante de piel o algo similar, pero ese es otro tema aparte. En fin me pareció que el video era un tanto interesante y divertido, era "Black or white", y lo admito, me encantaba.
También recuerdo cuando vi la película Free Willy, que desde ese día le tuve pánico a las ballenas, pero algo interesante habia al final del largometraje, y para mi sorpresa era un video de Michael Jackson, era "Will you be there", quedé deslumbrada, y cada vez que pienso en esa película, mi primer recuerdo es la canción que Michael Jackson cantaba.
Talves no fui fan debota, y quizá nunca intenté bailar como él lo hacía, pero al oir su voz en sus canciones... reconozco que es él cantando, y esos movimientos únicos... eran de Michael Jackson. Y nunca habrá nadie como él... y en cierta manera, creí que a lo largo de mi vida siempre iba haber algo nuevo a saber de él, algún regreso que iba a dejarnos a todos bocabierta, y creo que lo hizo, admito que he quedado impactada con su partida.
Hoy tengo mucho sueño, la ansiedad ha invadido mi cuerpo, no me ha dejado dormir bien, y hace que conciliar el sueño sea una hazaña, tras pasar varias horas retorciéndome en la cama. El día que creí perdido se acerca, y pronto me encontrará.
Ésta sensación está robando toda mi energía, y no puedo evitarlo, no imaginé que éste momento llegaría tan pronto.
Quiero dormir, pero mi cabeza comienza a dar demasiadas vueltas, con preguntas, con dudas, con el miedo a quedarme sin palabras, quiero tener listas todas las respuestas a tus interrogantes, quiero poder hablar de la simplicidad de la vida, quiero volver a reírme contigo, poder abrazarte una vez más, pero no tener que pensar en que pronto te diré adiós nuevamente.
Mi tiempo libre comenzó el día viernes a eso de las 2pm, decidí poner ciertas cosas en orden y comenzar a lavar mi ropa, lo cual no es la gran cosa, pues donde vivo, sólo meto la ropa en la lavadora, después la paso a la secadora, doblo mi ropa y taráaan todo listo...
Arreglé mi cama, pues también lavé mis sábanas, así cuando regrese todo estará limpio, fresco, y sobre todo ordenado.
Y hablando de ordenado, no puedo dejar de lado algo que no tiene orden en mi vida, pero estoy poniendo todo mi esfuerzo por mejorar, y es al haragancito de mi novio, con el cual he pasado un fin de semana de lo más relajante, pero ahora ha llegado el momento de limpiar y ordenar su cuarto, y así mismo animarlo a organizarse mejor, pues pronto tendrá su propio apartamento.
Organizando mi tiempo, mis cosas, y por un tiempo, mi vida también.
Hasta el momento ha sido una experiencia muy emocionante. Me siento hasta culpable de estar actualizando mi blog, teniendo el mar en frente de mi, la arena blanca y ésta brisa tan relajante que me hace querer ir a caminar a la orilla de la playa. Pero otra vez aqui, queriendo plasmar mi sentir antes de comenzar a hacer lo planeado para el día de hoy.
Tantas pláticas, tantos momentos, y hoy por fin que todo va tomando forma, me siento más alegre, espectánte y emocionada. De aquí a un año exactamente mi vida cambiará en 180º cosa que desde ya me lo estoy mentalizando.
Y hoy, iré a meditar frente al mar, disfrutar de todo lo que me rodea, cerraré mis ojos... y ahí disfrutaré un día más de mis merecidas vacaciones.
Is my first time celebrating Mother´s Day, and today I couldn´t even talked to my own mom.
It´s hard, right now I rather be with my mummy than being here just thinking about her.
I´m so far away from her, and all I wish is telling her how much I love and miss her.
If I could, I´d give her a nice gift, a great hug, and cook or bake something yummy.
Mother´s Day is not the same without you mom, I hope to see you soon, because I miss your company, your food, your smile, your hugs, your surprises when you get from work, making you a cup of coffee in the afternoon, going to church together, cooking together... or watch a movie in your bed, just the two of us.
Hoy me siento contenta, no estoy tan cansada como suelo estarlo, pero a pesar de todo, aún siento que la almohada me llama desde lejos... Ya voy! ya casi casi termino! sólo quiero terminar de escribir algo en mi blog...
Pensando en cómo ha cambiado mi vida, mi estilo de vestir, mi forma de peinarme, mi forma de comer, incluso mi forma de hablar... Me siento más libre debo admitirlo, no tengo a nadie que me regañe, pero sí tengo personitas especiales que se preocupan por mi.
Me siento querida y apreciada, productiva y útil, genuina y aceptada, pequeña... como siempre.
No quiero dejar todo lo que he construido, y sé que será difícil también dejar todo lo que un día fue mi vida, pero mi futuro es así, y me emociona a la vez.
Cuando regrese a mi casa arreglaré un par de cosas y situaciones con varias personas.
Me pregunto, dónde dormiré, pues mi cuarto ahora es un estudio. De todas formas, eso no es importante, lo principal es arreglar y recoger fragmentos de mi vida que no quiero olvidar.
Hoy me veo a mi misma, con mi pelo corto, mi sudadera de colores, alegre, tranquila, todo medido, todo calculado, todo bien... por el momento.
So, I went to this power cardio kick-boxing class... amazing! it was great, I was working out for real, like I´ve never before... made me think about my mom´s gym in El Salvador, I miss it.
It´s been so long since the last time I was there, all the good memories, and all the lessons that I learned from that experience that personally I decided to call -training for life- because it was very useful, now my perspective through life is different.
This past weekend I also found the answer that I was looking for long ago... where is home? what is home? I´m glad to know the answer now!
The answer was holding me.
It´s not late, but got to confess I´m exhausted... I´m heading to bed to rest after a long day.
And tomorrow I´ll feel home again, with you holding me tight.
when we were watching the movie, you were holding my hand I missed you so much this week I´ve been dreaming about you thinking a lot about you I love to feel you close to me you showed me how much you missed me too I´m glad I´m not only a picture in your cube I´m part of your heart and so you are.
The way you hold me in your arms and smell my hair and the many times you kissed me pretty spontaneous that feeling of not wanting to let me go it was just nice.
You know that, I want to stay with you forever you know it in English, you know it in Spanish by the way, I love every time you translate me it´s from my heart to yours.