Saturday, June 27, 2015

Who could forget that?

During one of my visits to my grandma at the nursing home, my grandma had a glimpse of good reason and took my left hand and said:

"There is no ring, you're not married."

*awkward silence*

(That was hard to hear)

She continued.... "You should stop being complicated with men."

I nodded.

Forever Alone

Yesterday I had one of the worst and darkest days, and really, all I needed was a hug.

I'm still deeply sad since everything that happened yesterday hit me hard, so I might cry again today, alone in my bed, and it will be okay, because that's who I am. I cry if I want to or if I need to.

Being alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. I will find some day the hug I'm eager to find.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I will always love you, always

As I'm preparing every little detail for my grandma's funeral, all the memories come back to me; memories from the day she took her last breath.

I never thought I would be ready to write about it. To be honest maybe I'm not, but it's something I want to keep in my blog for personal purposes.

The morning of April 6th I got the chance to travel to Pennsylvania, place where my grandma was living. During my flight all I could think was 'God, please let me get there on time to say goodbye, I need to be with her before you take her from me'.

My cousin Mario picked me up at the airport, but on the way to my aunt Nora's house he said "I hope we'll make it, I haven't got any phone call, but she is leaving us soon."

When we got home, I rushed to my grandma's bedroom, I burst into tears as I saw her laying in bed, scratching herself due to the morphine she was taking for the inner pain since her organs were shutting down, but she was allergic to it.

My aunt Nora said "Talk to her, tell her you are here, she can hear you." So I decided to get closer to her right ear, and said "Grandma, it's me, I'm your granddaughter, I'm here for you", on that moment she opened her eyes and she looked at me smiling, never imagined that would be the last time I would witness such thing.

My grandma Rosita fell asleep, she was taking tons of meds. Her body moved in a mysterious way, she was having flashbacks maybe, I could see her fingers moving as if she were sewing. My aunt Daysi said "I think that's call the process of dying, and you see your life as a movie."

Suddenly my grandma started to scratch herself again, so my aunt Daysi (a nurse) gave her other strong medicine, but my grandma was feeling very uncomfortable, she actually never opened her eyes again, but I did the only thing that came to my mind... I started to sing the worship songs my grandma used to sing when we used to go to church together, and something happened...

My grandma Rosita, grabbed my hand, and kissed it. She kissed my hand.... I was singing, crying, dying inside right next to her, holding her goodbye...

The next thing I know is that I fell asleep.

Next morning, the nurses from the insurance came by to check on her, and told us "if there is family left, let them know that today will be a good time to come."

30 mins later while I was getting dressed after getting a shower, I heard my aunt Daysi saying out loud, "She's gone!!".

I rushed to my grandma's bedroom again. I held her hand, her body was still warm. But she was gone.

My cousin Silvia was with her in that little moment when my grandma Rosita stopped breathing. Silvia said that the last words she told her were: "Please mama, go in peace, we'll be okay, and we're here with you, don't be afraid to let go, let God take you into His loving arms." And so she did, and left.

As my grandma left to Heaven, we were all by her side in silence, crying. Tears everywhere.

Today, those memories seem like a dream. But it's real, I remember her body going from warm to cold, her soft hair through my fingers.... I remember her, I remember everything about her.

My grandma's ashes will be buried Sunday, September 13th 2015  at 10am in 'Jardines del Recuerdo' in El Salvador.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..."